dodgerroger

Evolution of my yoga practice

When I first discovered Bikram yoga I thought I had found my holy grail. I have an obsessive personality and I’ve always been searching for something to pour my obsession into. For a while it was playing the saxophone, then playing golf, then tennis. I was really into poker. I’ve wanted to be a writer and a photographer. When I discovered yoga, I thought to myself - “At last! I’ve found it!!” See, even though I was terribly inflexible and my crooked spine was frozen into place, I discovered that yoga is a Practice. It’s not about judgement or achievement, it’s about mindfully working to improve yourself from where you are at this very moment.

When I first started, I was just like everyone else. I got my ass kicked but I loved it. The day of my first class I went to the library and borrowed both of Bikram’s books and read them both. I went every day for the first three or four months at least. My first week, there were times I wanted to go twice a day but I didn’t know that people actually did doubles.

I think in the early days, I was largely motivated by the ego. I hated sitting out. I vowed never to fall out of standing bow. In Bikram they push you quite a bit because Bikram thinks that Americans are lazy. What he did not realize is that Type A personalities are drawn to Bikram yoga like moths drawn to the flame. I don’t consider myself to be Type A - my nature is responsible but lazy. However, when something captures my interest it’s basically balls to the wall, all out. Another thing that feeds the ego is the rapid improvement one experiences at the beginning of their practice. I’m not sure how long the early part of the learning curve lasts for most, but my spine was so frozen and my body so inflexible and messed up from playing sports that I saw many changes for a long long time. I would say my entire first year I seemed to improve weekly. My spine was sore for the first two years of my practice. People would catch me doing the Bikram death grip (half moon) randomly at the dinner table.

The amazing thing about doing Bikram is how much your experience in class varies from day to day. You go in feeling terrible and you are so scared and wary and then you end up having a great class. Then there are days you are all pumped up and basically waiting all day to go to class and then you go too hard and end up bonking before you even get to standing bow.

I would say the first year or two of my practice I primarily used my Will to push through anything and everything in my yoga practice. I began to investigate the difference between what I call the Will versus willpower, which to me are two different things.

After about a couple of years or so the changes came much more slowly. Certain things improved in ways I could never imagine, but I had figured after a couple of years I would be able to touch my forehead to my knee in standing separate leg forehead to knee… but no. In order to keep improving I increased the amount I practiced. For someone like me, this has consequences, because I sweat a ridiculous amount. Basically, I’ve never met anyone that sweats more than I do, even though I generally practice in the cooler part of the room. Practicing so much and losing so much water and good stuff through sweating I ended up having even more variation in my practice. I started building up a long term dehydration and I would have some pretty tough moments in class.

The next phase of my practice involved using bunch of tricks to get through the tough parts. I used all sorts of visualization tricks. I would imagine the “Silver Bullet” Coors Light train driving the room. If you haven’t seen the commercial, it’s a sweltering hot summer day and then they paint a hole in a wall and the train drives through and everything is wintery cool and everyone is refreshed (and drinking beer). I used that trick a lot. Especially when they gave a burst of fans.

For a long time my breathing was a big weakness. I’d huff and puff. I’d sound like Darth Vader. I’d push and push… I knew it was a weakness and I started focusing on the breath. Paying attention to my breath became the main goal of my yoga. I devised all sorts of tricks to keep my focus on the breath. I stole a meditation trick where you count your breath as follows: inhale one, exhale two, inhale three, exhale four… when you get to 10 you start over. Sounds easy, right? You don’t know how many times I would be inhaling on an even and go “how did that happen?” Or I’d find myself at 14 and realize I forgot to start over after 10. It’s basically a mindfulness exercise. I learned how to calm my breath even when my heart was pounding. Another mind trick I used was the following: I’d visualize I’d be standing on the top of a cliff and the shore curved in a crescent below me. My breath was like the waves of the ocean. The exhales would be the waves going out to shore and the inhales would be the water receding back to the ocean. Then I would slow the waves down which would slow down my breathing as well. My breathing now is much better than before but there are still days when I struggle with it.

After the breathing phase I worked on self acceptance. So many of us beat ourselves up. For me, self acceptance was acknowledging that there are certain things that are going to take a long time to change. A lot longer than I anticipated at least. When you are driven to improve and you sort of plateau or even regress after the summer months this self acceptance phase is not easy. This is particularly hard to accept when you’ve seen continual improvement the first 3-4 years of your practice as I had. My yoga practice opened the door to me to a whole new world that I had never even imagined. I came from a world of science and logic and math. I didn’t believe in “energy” or anything that couldn’t be established by science when I first started. I met all sorts of people that I perhaps would never have met before and these associations changed my life. These days it seems like everyone I meet influences me in some way and opens new doors. Even the annoying as hell people either teach me something or give me an opportunity to practice something I’m working on.

I feel like over the past 5 or 6 months I’ve gone through spiritual changes at a particularly accelerated rate. I have friends that I’m able to share this journey with and we grow together. I’ve found that I am much more open-hearted and compassionate. While I still get incredibly frustrated at times, I feel like I don’t really experience anger anymore. There are times where I know I should be angry, where regular people would be angry and where I’d be perfectly justified feeling angry, but the anger just isn’t there. I am constantly questioning whether I am repressing my anger, but I can’t seem to find it.

Recently, I’ve entered a new phase in my development. I’ve started a regular meditation practice and have been greatly inspired by reading Jack Kornfield’s A Path with Heart. Kornfield says if your are strong in the mind then the mind is NOT your teacher. Your weaknesses are your teacher and I definitely come from the world of thoughts and ideas. My mind is constantly working and analyzing and scheming and planning. For me, my teacher is my feelings. These days, I try not to come up with excuses or theories. I steadfastly avoid creating false narratives. I try not to assign blame or create explanations. Instead I just try to open my heart up, surrender without resistance, and feel whatever happens. I allow myself to become totally vulnerable let the waves crash against the rocks. I’ve found that not trying to protect yourself with deluded explanations and allowing yourself to be completely open and vulnerable actually gives you strength. You still feel pain but you don’t suffer. You actually feel the pain more intensely but you feel the joy more intensely as well. I think it’s the resistance that causes the suffering.

I’ve found that opening yourself up completely and not holding back has transformed my life. I feel a freedom and lightness that comes from total self acceptance. There are certain ideas that I thought I understood before but now I understand so much better. For example, one of the ideas in Buddhism is “right speech”. I had always interpreted that as don’t use bad language and don’t talk shit. I am sure that there are books on Buddhism that say this as well. But now when I think of “right speech” I think it means speak from the heart. Speak plainly and honestly. In my mind it’s not what you DON’T say, it’s more about speaking truly. It’s making everything you say meaningful.

So, now I want to feel everything that comes up without any filters. I know I will survive and I know that the shit may hurt like hell but that ultimately I will survive and be okay. Yesterday, I went to class after doing a long run (I never run) and after having not practiced in three days and sitting in a chair for two days straight while trying to write a textbook. We had a work retreat that was like being on a cruise ship because all you did was eat and sit (except instead of lounging we were working). The retreat ended earlier than I expected and I ended up making it to 3pm class. It was a hot day and the fan on that side of the room was broken. I had eaten a biggish lunch that ended around 1:30. I went with the intention of bonking because I didn’t want to fight the bonk, I just wanted to take it and feel it and experience it. The universe did not disappoint. So for the first ever (almost 4.5 years and probably well over 1200 classes) I left the room. There were points where I could’ve used some of the mind tricks to get myself through the class but I don’t want to do that anymore.

So these days, my yoga happens outside the studio as well as inside. Through practicing the physical aspect of trying to master the asanas I’ve ended up re-shaping my mind and soul as well as my body. Above all, I’ve come to view pretty much everything as a practice. I now accept things and myself for how they are and I work with the intention of improving.

The Three Parts of Awkward Pose

Jeff said something interesting in class today about awkward.

He said that the first part of awkward works the outer part of the thighs and you should feel it.

In the second part you work right through the center of your thighs down through your toe.

In the third part you are working the inner part, and you shouldn’t just squeeze your knees together but you should seal it all the way up your inner thighs.

Studio

One of the things I like about practicing yoga at the studio is that everyone is equal. You leave your old roles behind with your clothes in the change room. No one is above or better than any one else. Instead, we practice together, each of us working with our own bodies, our own issues. We practice together and share our energy. By the end we are all sweaty and we may look a little flushed and disheveled, but we RADIATE BEAUTY.

Yoga Posture vs. Ego Posture

I love this.

I love how he talks about “the edge” and how one uses consciousness to neither fight nor flight…

Beautiful, Inspiring, Controversially Sexy Yoga Vid/Commercial

Notes from Mary Jarvis Seminar

Mary Jarvis came to the Pasadena studio and taught a master class saturday morning 9-11:30ish, posture clinic 12:30-6:30ish and a sunday morning 10-12:45ish that was like going to church. Here is what I remember she said (I didn’t take notes).

You should not be “killing yourself” in class. She does not believe in No Pain, No Gain. You should not be suffering in class. Yoga is meant to heal the body not cause suffering.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone in class.

Just do the postures.

Mary

taught class from the back of the room.

She also made all the teachers practice in the back. She believes teachers need to be humble and the students should get the best spots.

Pranayama Breathing

Your breath should sound like gas moving through a pipe, no darth vader, humming, gurgling, rattling mucus.

Don’t breath with your throat, breath with your lungs.

You may feel slight pressure behind your sternum.

She emphasized sucking in your gut.

LIft.

Keep your shoulders relaxed.

Trace your eyes parallel to the lines on the ceiling.

Rhythmic.

Begin your inhale while your elbows are still together.

There is a backbend in your neck spine.

Backbend

Your neck nerves are in your hands.

You really have to lock the elbows and squeeze the shit out of your palms, that is the most important part. Make sure your elbows are in and not flaring out. Pull your elbows over your face.

You need to lock your knees to stretch the front of your hips.

in the transition to head to knee, reach out towards the mirror as you go down so that your butt doesn’t stick out.

Head to Knee

She doesn’t believe in the yoga cha cha.

Grab the heels after the backbend because you can.

She emphasized the upper body to lower body contact.

Push your knuckles into the floor to get deeper after you’ve pulled as much as you can.

I know that I have to lean forward more and suck in my gut even more.

Awkward

Make sure you don’t see the arc of your inner heel in the mirror. It’s almost better to have the toes turned in slightly.

Toes out will affect your other postures, like the bows.

She said second part awkward was the first time you are fully in the present moment.

Eagle

she emphasized alignment, shoulders and hips in one horizontal line, chin, forearms and knees in a vertical line.

she also suggested we sit down lower towards the end but evidently no one did.

You have lymph glands under your armpits. These ductless glands use muscle contraction to move the lymph, which in turn releases a lot of energy. This is why you may feel a little woozy after eagle.

She doesn’t believe in party time.

Standing forehead to knee

Extend up and out of your hips while sucking in your belly before rounding down to grab your foot. She called this standing forehead to knee fuel/food.

She said people fall backwards because their ankle is weak. It is not strong enough to support the 90 degree angle on one foot.

Heel should be the closest thing to the mirror when kicking out.

She said awkward can help with this.

Push your butt forward and suck in your gut. Opposing actions.

She believes in straightening the arms but not in straightening the back in the second part.

I asked her why we straighten the arms. The answer I liked best was it was a center of gravity thing.

I think she also said it looks cool.

Standing Bow

You shouldn’t be able to see the kicking leg shoulder in the set up.

Arm behind the ear.

Knees touch.

Extend up while sucking in your gut (standing bow food/fuel)

Kicking leg goes straight back into the kick like a doggy door, brushing against the standing leg. Kicking leg does not go out to the side.

She is very big on putting two shoulders in one line.

Contract the kicking side scapula.

She is very big on getting the body down low enough.

Many people have their arm too high.

Armpit on the same level as the crotch.

Stretch the knee skin of the kicking leg (instead of kick kick kick)

Imagine a string from your finger tips to your toes. You want to make the string taut by moving both at the same time.

She had many cool pictures.

A good backbend is when the space between the butt and the ribs is small.

Competitors should have a 15 second count.

Count down from 15 to 1, after 10 seconds you don’t make any corrections.

Often times people fall out because their eyes move.

Falling out to the side is a sign of weak ankles.

Falling back means that you are afraid of going down far enough, you are afraid of falling out.

After class I asked about hamstrings and told her about how sometimes my hamstrings are screaming in standing bow, preventing me from going down. She gave me some interesting advice. She told me to puff out my chest, really bending my upper back. Erin and I tried deciphering this strange advice after class the other day. Erin says that making an effort to bend that upper part of the spine really gets you to move your weight forward off your heel. When you have your weight in your heel it really tweaks the hammies. Makes sense to me…

Balancing Stick

Second pose you are fully in the present moment.

One chance.

Set up like half moon.

Roll the hip down. It won’t be level until it feels too low.

Triangle

She got Jeff’s crotch down by pulling on his shorts.

Push lower elbow into knee, push lower shoulder forward, push upper shoulder back to get the spine twist.

Upper arm points above the ear not the shoulder.

Standing separate leg forehead to knee

She insisted on hands in prayer. No tripods.

Extend up before rounding down, sucking in the gut.

Tree and Toe

She talked about how important it was to be able to have the foot high enough before attempting toe stand, or you could blow out your knee.

She talked about how your posture may look pretty in the mirror but it looks bad from the side and duck butt and sucking in your belly.

Wind removing

The alignment of your shin affects your bow(s).

Cobra

Don’t move your hands after the set up ever.

Lock your knees, ankles and toes together.

She said something else really deep and insightful but I don’t remember what it is.

Locust

She said that carpal tunnel actually originates from the neck/upper spine, not the elbows.

Lift one leg up, now suck in your gut and move the weight into your sternum/clavical.

When you do both legs you should go as high as when you do one leg.

Full Locust

Don’t adjust coming from locust. Even if you feel crooked, locust has you lined up straight.

Do the posture uncomfortable, because that is the proper alignment. When you move to get more comfortable you are moving your body out of alignment.

Another posture where you are fully in the present moment.

Bow

She showed us a variety of pictures so that we could appreciate the differences.

Symmetry is important, but the best one is Ball’s who has his ribs off the ground.

She talked about how it’s like you are just hanging from your feet.

Roll forward while lifting your bottom rib off the floor.

Your wind removing pose reveals your bow, if your heel goes in then you will probably have wide knees in bow.

Keep your knees and ankles the same width.

We did the pose while looking in the mirror.

Fixed firm

is a posture that can’t be rushed.

try to touch your shoulders to your tailbone.

Originally, this posture was done with a flat spine.

Half tortoise

Get your ankles flat and your toes and heels touching.

When coming out try to see your face in the mirror as quickly as possible.

Camel

Hands high on your back so that your fingers are in the bruised part of your lower back where there’s a bundle of nerves. I believe she used the word starburst.

Never skip camel.

It is the crescendo of the whole series.

When M

ary

was recovering from a horrific car accident there was a period where the only time she wasn’t in pain was when she was in camel. Going into camel - pain. Coming out of camel - pain. In camel - no pain.

Rabbit

Don’t use your towel to grab your heels.

Kaspar’s rabbit (in the red white and blue shorts) was the best rabbit bikram’s ever seen (other than his own). Kaspar pinched a nerve in his neck warming up for this performance… amazing.

The goal is to stretch your spine.

Look at your knees instead of your belly. Don’t over roll onto your neck/back of the head.

You really gotta suck in your gut.

Lift your shoulders.

Creating volume - there’s width as well is length.

Stretching

Lay your stomach on your thighs.

The point is to stretch the back of your body, not to keep your back flat.

Flop onto your belly, then knees, then shins like a piece of seaweed.

Spine Twist

Suck in your gut and lift your chest, wrap the arm that’s not grabbing the knee.

Push one elbow into your knee and the other elbow towards the mirror.

Breath of Fire

push big toes into the floor, suck in your gut, and push with your hands.

getting rid of excess CO2

The heat of the room infuses your body with oxygen, which contains prana and chi.

The only other way to get a comparable infusion is to go 12 feet below sea level.

When sucking in the gut go in and up.

Bikram - “The purpose of yoga is to prepare yourself so that you can sit in lotus and notice yourself.”

Bikram - “Enlightenment is easy. Just see the best in everyone. Let’s go eat.”

Mary

says she is a practicing physical immortal.

Mary

kept telling us that life is good.

Mary

thinks that the first two years out of TT new teachers are lost and go thru a rough period where it is too much about them. They can be insecure and want to prove something. Many new teachers often have asshole-ish behavior at first. Long time students need to show compassion towards new teachers.

The teacher is the least important person in the room.

She kept emphasizing humility, compassion, and being a good person.

She talked a lot about backbending and breathing which are the two things I care about the most.

She believes in a 25 to 1 backbend to forward bend ratio.

You can live without one of your limbs but you can’t live without your spine.

All important appointments are canceled when you have a problem with your spine.

Don’t regret the past or fear the future. The present moment is unknown.

When you are fully in the present moment you don’t feel pain.

The breath is like the wave that goes out to the shoreline (whoosh) and then back to the ocean in a rhythmic, slow smooth way. That space between the out flow and the in flow can lengthen without holding your breath. (She said it better).

She talked about the gap.

She can do an entire posture only using one or two breaths.

I asked how I could learn to breath like she does. She said you must breath thru the nose, make it slow and relaxed, and make declarative statements like “I am going to breath slow and relaxed”, and stare at one spot in the mirror during the entire class. She also talked about the importance of being relaxed when you are breathing and doing the postures.

Being relaxed was a theme she kept mentioning. Tori was working on putting her stomach to her shoulders in stretching and you could see the tension in her shoulders.

Mary

shook her shoulders to loosen them.

It takes 45 minutes for your body to process 4 ounces of water. Drinking water in class is unnecessary and provides a distraction.

Water will not help you catch your breath, only slow steady breathing and oxygen will.

Water doesn’t really help you cool off.

Water sits in your belly and makes your practice more difficult. In the standing series you gotta suck in your belly. In the floor you are on your belly and water can make things uncomfortable.

Most of the people that I talked to that went to both days were super inspired. I know I was. I think Mary’s seminar has inspired me to take my practice in a different direction and really change some of my attitudes towards yoga.

Yoga Update (Mary Jarvis comes to Pasadena)

I realize the type of person I like. I like people who are authentic. Frequently, authentic people are thought of as “characters” because they are unafraid and unashamed of being who they are.

Anyway, I met Mary Jarvis at dinner Friday night and I like her a lot. Even if she were not a practicing physical immortal and veritable fountain of yoga knowledge I would still like her. She’s the kind of person it would be cool to hang around for a month or six and hear her tell all her stories. It was cool to talk about random things like baseball although the conversation eventually turned towards yoga. She said it took her many years before she really understood why she did yoga. I’m still trying to understand myself.

I was basically at the studio on saturday from 8:30am to 6:30am and it was filled with yoga goodness. Even before the seminar I felt like I was at a bit of a yoga crossroads. I sort of explored the limits of over-training the first half of the year and realized that I don’t think the path of Anton or Kilian is the path for me. I listened to the ultra runner podcast with nutritionist Sunny Blend and she talks about how an ultra marathon is basically an eating contest. In the race you basically can only digest and process 200 calories per hour and if you fall behind you can’t just eat 400 calories and catch up. I feel that way about my hydration during the summer. I basically fell into such a debt that no matter how much I hydrated and juiced I couldn’t catch up.

I did the Blessed Herbs cleanse along with several people from the studio. I didn’t have any emotional breakdowns or enlightenments, I think I came out of it less crazy than before, which I think is a good thing.

I was coming to grips with the fact that I was no longer a 7 day a week practicer (only 6 times a week, and that one day off makes a HUGE difference). Intellectually, I know that 6 days a week is healthier for me. In the past, I would go to the studio even if I was massively depleted. I started to get used to doing yoga while feeling lousy and it became normal. When my body basically said enough is enough and shut down I finally took enough time to for my body to return to normal. I don’t think it’s really necessary to define yourself as a “everyday practicer” or a “3 times a week” practicer”. I’d rather live in the moment and not dwell so much on the past or future.

But we all have an ego and I had always thought of myself as a yogi with a daily practice. Letting go of what I think I SHOULD be and accepting myself for how I am now is something I’m working on.

So, it was like a bolt of lightening when Mary said at the very beginning that when you practice, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You don’t have to prove yourself to the teacher. I have come to realize that when I practice, I actually do that a lot. I feel a bit of pressure to live up to a standard and I’ve been trying to let that go. Mary saying this just crystallized this and brought it to the forefront of my consciousness (in particular, I feel pressure to prove myself in Jeff’s class. I feel like he gives so much in class that I don’t want to let him down, but I end up blowing a gasket about 40% of the time and have to sit something out.).

Another theme that Mary talked about was the importance of humility and compassion. She made all the teachers practice in the back row. She talked constantly about how worthless it is to have a perfect posture if you are not a good person. It’s obvious of course, but when someone that a lot of people respect says it, the words carry more weight. And you can tell she truly believes it.

She talked about how she practiced for a while without a mirror and really feeling the posture (I had experimented for a while with practicing without my glasses or contacts to “feel” the posture more (It made it harder to balance)).

Anyway, I think this seminar with Mary has transformed my practice. That’s a long post for the future.

Up Next: Long-ass Notes from Mary Jarvis’s Master Class(es)/Posture Clinic.

Bikram Yoga Video

Three things I learned while taking Bikram classes in NYC

I went to New York and Boston for a couple of weeks at the beginning of August. The break helped me return to full strength as I was having some dehydration problems this summer.

While in NYC I practiced four times:

1. Brooklyn Heights - this studio was recommended to me by Valerie. It was cool practicing in the studio where one of my yoga heros cut her teeth. My first class was taught by Vincent, who was good. It was so interesting to take a class from someone who has the distinctive New York flava. Later I found out Valerie used to practice with Vincent all the time.

2. Downtown - The Wall Street area is very confusing. It’s just so disorienting. Even with the iPhone I experienced a bit of directional confusion. Valerie recommended I try to take a class from Courtney. I took a class with this really thin blond lady that was really good and wouldn’t let me sit in tree even though I was gassed from standing separate leg forehead to knee. They recently installed new carpet and the fumes made me a little loopy. I thought the teacher looked kind of familiar and after class I asked her name and found out it was Courtney (Mace). I think she was the yoga champ a couple of years ago.

3. Brooklyn Heights again - and I had Courtney again. She corrected my triangle.

4. Flat Iron - I went with Andrea, one of my favorite teachers from Pasadena who moved to NY. We hung out the whole day. It was great. Other than a going away party, I’ve never hung out with Andrea socially and I had a lot of fun. I also picked up a valuable tip for locust in the class we took together. After class they gave me a chocolate zico for free. It was surprisingly good. I drink it regularly now (I’m drinking it right now in fact).

Anyway, here are the three things I learned:

1. I need to lock my knees in separate leg stretching. I know, I couldn’t believe it. Such a basic move, but sometimes you need to revisit the basics. After getting corrected two days in a row I realized I had probably gotten lazy.

2. When doing triangle on the right side I need to be careful I don’t push my hips too far forward. This causes the feet, knees and hips to be out of alignment and causes me to backbend slightly. One of my favorite Bikram phrases - “Too good is no good.”

3. The teacher at the Flat Iron studio said something that clicked for me regarding locust. He said that when you go to the gym and start doing bicep curls you are working your upper back in addition to your biceps. (If you think about it, if you didn’t engage your upper back for support you would just fall forward). He said when you do locust you can almost think about doing a bicep curl, but with your arms straight. For some reason this really helped me, because I’ve always had difficulty figuring out how to use my arms in locust.

When I was on vacation I ate and drank with no restriction. Part of this is philosophical, and part of it is that I knew I would be doing a cleanse shortly after returning home.

Setting Goals vs. Managing Expectations

Two of my yoga teachers are always encouraging us to set goals. You know, stuff like “In 6 months I’ll be vertical in locust” or “by the end of the year I’ll have my forehead on my knee.”

I don’t think setting goals is really my style. I’m more of a balls to the walls, do everything I can to improve as quickly as possible type. Maybe I don’t feel the need to set goals because I’m so obsessed with the yoga already that I don’t lack motivation. I certainly need goals and deadlines to make real-world type things happen in a timely fashion, but for yoga it’s something a little different.

Instead of worrying about setting goals, I think I need to worry about managing my expectations.

For example, I see myself as a yogi with a daily practice, but due to recent dehydration issues I’ve had to take time off. I’m currently practicing 4 times a week. I want to practice everyday (more than that really) but I was finally forced to practice what I preach and listen to my body. My body basically said enough is enough. I had gotten used to practicing while dehydrated and then I started using the energy of the yogis around me to keep me going until finally I was forced to shut it down when my hands started to feel numb even outside of class. I went from doing doubles, to just doing one class a day, to time off. Now, I’m trying to be smart about it and ease my way back in.

I feel like my locust hasn’t really improved despite doing many wall walks after class. My forehead and knee are still strangers until the last 10 minutes of class.^1

My yoga now is not so much doing the asanas as it is trying to accept how things are right now. I need to practice accepting where I am at this point in my practice. Of course, it extends outside of the yoga room. I need to accept who I am right now and being cool with that rather than always worrying about what I’m SUPPOSED to be. It’s funny cause I feel I’ve always yearned for this freedom, but it’s always been available right in front of me. All I have to do is let go of the expectations I place on myself and also not worry about what other people may or may not think.

Not worrying about what other think and not caring about what others think is two separate things. Not caring what others think (if that is even possible) is a form of disconnection. When you disconnect or numb yourself from the bad stuff, then you also numb yourself from the good stuff as well. The key is NOT to not care what other people think.

The key is that you yourself accept who you are, since that is all you have any real control over.

***

1. The wall walks have definitely helped in other postures like standing bow. I was getting my forehead to my knee irregularly before I had to shut things down for a few days. All the yoga I’ve done this year has definitely brought about big changes, many pleasantly unexpected changes, but again, those pesky expectations…

Why I am no longer blogging every day about yoga

There are a few reasons I started blogging about my yoga in the first place. Towards the end of last year we were lying in savasana in a Jeff class and he asked me what my plans were for next year (yoga-wise). I think we were talking about goals and new year resolutions or something. I said I would do 365 classes in the next year.
1. I have a terrible memory and knew I would lose count unless I wrote it down.
2. I have always enjoyed writing.
I happened to be on winter break at the time, so I started blogging about my classes. These are the main two reasons I started blogging. There was an aspect of sharing my experiences with others, but I can’t say that was a strong motivation at the beginning. There is something you need to know about me. If the goal is to do a 60 day challenge, I’m the type of guy that is going to do 61 minimum. So when I said I would do 365, I had no intention of merely doing 365. Instead, I was going to do as many as I could.

Now, this is a bit of a slippery slope. How many classes can one do? Well it depends. How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to change your diet? Are you willing to pay careful attention to your hydration? Are you willing to do class hung over? Are you willing do class knowing that you are going to feel like crap? How much are you willing to suffer?

For me, I was willing to go pretty far. ***

Eventually blogging became a burden. Once the semester started found it difficult to do all this yoga AND blog AND work on my iPhone app. So the blogging suffered. The posts became shorter and crappier, etc. Then I started to have this IDEA… I looked at my pace and saw that I had a shot at doing 500 classes in a year. I’m not really a goal setting type. I’m more of a do your best and whatever happens happens type. But there is something beautiful about 500. It’s nice and round. So my blog secretly became about that. It had started out as something pure - just writing my thoughts and writing to improve my writing skills. It became this method of keeping score.

I’ve come to realize that this whole idea of doing 500 classes in a year is just a big ego trip. Well, maybe that’s not EXACTLY true. Doing 500 in a year is just a goal. Like a 60 day challenge on steroids (and acid). But doing the 500 and writing about it in a public forum is a big ego trip. (Perhaps even setting the goal is an ego trip as well.) ***

They say that “yoga gives you what you need”. I always think about this saying because it’s so true. Yoga has helped me in many ways (diet, focus, compassion, humility, realizing that we are all crazy and worry about stupid things, allergies, breathing, awareness, mind body connection, non-duality, flexibility, strength, friendlier and more social, confidence, realize that I was a prisoner of my mind, realizing that my mind was not me, make me less of an asshole, etc.) but I can say that there is one thing in particular that it helps me with: Yoga helps me be present. I realized that I lived in the future. I don’t really worry so much about the past, but I’m CONSTANTLY thinking about the future. I always have. I didn’t pay any attention to here and now, the present moment. When I’m doing yoga, I’m practicing being in the moment (I try to bring that presence with me when I leave the studio. The more yoga I do, the easier that becomes).

Anyways, believe you me, that is no way to live. It’s funny cause I’ve known this and talk about it all the time and even blog about it, but then I go ahead and create this future prison of 500.

It’s time to let it go and be spontaneous and free.

Class 235

(Wednesday 9am - Y Thuan)I entered the class with a bit of trepidation. I had gotten crushed yesterday afternoon and somehow sensed that I was near my limit physically.

I retreat to my comfort spot by the Jason Winn pic. Class went without any major problems. I would even say it went well.

After class Y Thuan and I chatted a bit about the tough classes we had the previous day. She asked if I was going to do a double and said that she was going to take a day off because her body needed it. I was thinking my body needed a day off but I was committed to taking Jeff’s 4:30.

After class I made a green smoothie and took a nap on the couch. When I woke I felt a slight tingling numbness in my arms. It was the same numbness I felt in class yesterday when I got rocked. I got up, made another smoothie and began hydrating for the 4:30 class. The numbness wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t anything dangerous, but it was troubling, like a sign.

I sat there and pondered whether I should go to class or not. Actually, that is not true. I knew I should not go to class, I pondered going to class anyway. I tried meditating for a bit and then came to grips to the fact that I would not be doing the 4:30. I went to the library and borrowed a few books, even though I am reading something like 4 books already. I came home, read one of them cover to cover and then had a realization. The realization has been coming for a long while now, but somehow I needed to be here and now in order to… fully realize it.

I realized that I should stop blogging everyday about my yoga.